increasingly for the last few weeks i have been thinking about how my life seems to be a treadmill affair. i have to keep things simple and there are daily needs to attend to that steal from what i consider to be "my creative time". i resent that i cannot do every thing that i wish on any given day. i just can't fit it all in. i never considered the days long enough even when i was "healthy" and my productive/creative time becomes reduced constantly and sometimes erratically. this often makes me angry. not for the first time, this morning i thought about how this anger is robbing from me something that i can't afford to lose. the more energy and time i use to be angry, the less i have to be happy and creative with. seems so simple then . . . just "be happy" and continue on . . . and i can choose to see this as a laboriously fruitless life (a treadmill affair) or i can be grateful for each moment just as it is given to me. some moments seeming to be just "a grind" to get through in order to get to the next moment when i can (hopefully) finally enjoy the moment . . . see what i mean; a treadmill affair.
so this pretty well sums up the thought process for me lately and my effort is certainly there in trying to "carry on" with some grace and dignity, in fact to anyone observing i appear to be pulling it off fairly well. which is good because the last thing i want is pity~! what i really want is . . . well, i really want to just feel peace and self acceptance for what it is that i do have. i really do have so much to be grateful for(!) and i'm aware of that . . . i just lose sight of that thought while forging forward. does every moment have to be approached as a simple meditation in order to keep this in the front of my mind? and so i wrote my own simple meditation in the form of a poem. i felt better after i wrote it . . . for a while . . . then i had to re-read it . . .
life is cyclical. that is how it is supposed to be. i see this cycle repeated in many ways and in fact enjoy these natural rhythyms of nature. even relish them. so here, in this poem, is my attempt to frame my own life up as the natural creative cycle that it is. i need to make this acceptance as natural as breathing . . . and so again, i begin.
i begin again.
and yet again.
each new moment, a gift
every beat of my heart, a gift.
every renewed breath, a gift.
each thoughtful conception, a gift.
to be contemplated with love
and received with gratitude.
i begin with gratitude.
and yet again, i begin.